All about Metal

This is not mine. It has been going around the metal community for ages. I just found it again and pieced them all together. Enjoy!

To describe each Metal type, imagine the usual knight rescuing the princess from a dragon scenario:

HEAVY METAL:
The knight arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and fucks the princess.

SPEED METAL:
Knight-kills-dragon-saves-princess-screws-her.

HARD ROCK:
The knight arrives wearing shorts and a cap. Disgusted, the princess clears off.

GRIND METAL:
The knight arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

POWER METAL:
The knight arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL: The knight arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her....... easy and quick.

FOLK METAL:
Our hero arrives with some friends playing accordion, pipes, violin and other weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep because of too much dancing and they leave… without the princess.

VIKING METAL:
The knight arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty mighty axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, loots the castle and burns it down before he leaves.

DEATH METAL:
The knight arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BRUTAL DEATH METAL:
The knight arrives, kills the dragon, kills the princess then screws her.

GOTHIC METAL:
The knight arrives and kills the dragon. The princess falls madly in love with him, they get married with great ceremony, the king gives him his kingdom, he’s the hero of the people, he commits suicide with no explanation.

BLACK METAL:
The knight arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in the front of the castle.....then sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her.....then he impales the deflowered princess.

TRUE BLACK METAL (OLD WAY):
The knight arrives pissed out of his mind, barfs into the moat, sacrifices the princess then starts hitting on the dragon.

TRUE BLACK METAL (NEW WAVE):
The knight arrives and starts telling the dragon that he’s all wrong, that he’s not actually evil. He kills the princess cause she interrupted him. The dragon, annoyed, eats him despite his spiked armbands. And says "you shouldn’t hurt ladies". (One can be a dragon AND a gentleman, what?)

GORE METAL:
The knight arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her....then he fucks her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts, fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

DOOM METAL:
The knight arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide....the dragon eats his body and the princess as well.

GOTHIC METAL FEMALE SINGER:
She charms the dragon with her voice, goes to the princess, steals her dress and takes her place, then waits for her band’s drummer to come rescue her.

ALTERNATIVE METAL:
The knight arrives, refuses to be part of the system, tells the princess to screw herself and leaves.

PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The knight arrives with a guitar and plays a 26 mn solo, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the knight goes to the princess’ bed, plays another solo, the princess runs away and goes looking for the Heavy Metal knight.

ATMOSPHERIC METAL:
The dragon’s scales gleam in the moonlight, the princess is on her balcony and gazes into the distance, melancholy; the wind gently ruffles the tree leaves in the forest. Not a knight in sight.

GLAM METAL:
The knight arrives late after spending 3 hours pimping himself up, gets in as the dragon laughs his head off at him, steals the princess’ make-up and paints the castle’s walls pink.

NU METAL :
The knight arrives and freaks when he sees the dragon, so he stays in front of the moat and makes obscene gestures at the princess. Then he goes back into the forest to wank off.

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.