My first impression of New Moon, second book of Twilight....

Ok, I still have a few pages to go, but it's causing me physical pain to read it so I'm gonna post this first. Anything to stall the agony. Just remember, summary first, review later on.

"My vamp bf, who's more emotional than a romantic emo goth girl on crack, dumped me, because he finally realized that I'm only human. He hightailed out of town faster than you could say blood. Boo-hoo.

The next half year I spent like a moping emo, working on my dramaqueen-ness and inventing phrases like "hole in my chest" and "fall to pieces" because gosh, they sound totally original and sooooo gloomy!

But then I realized that whenever I do dangerous stuff, I start hearing voices in my head that sound like my totally gorgeous ex, who is as I said, totally gorgeous and looks like an angel and all, have I mentioned it, so I decided to do lots of dangerous stuff because I suddenly got utterly suicidal too. Because I should never ever get over my vamp ex, who left me like yesterday's garbage and doesn't care shit for me. No, I've decided to keel over in pain and mope for him, a guy I only dated for a few months, for life, because I'm duh, totally old now and I know this is the wisest decision I would ever make.

So, while I'm doing dangerous stuff to hear the voices in my head I make use of this totally georgeous guy who is all but offering himself belly-up to me and I hink I'm in love with him, but I'm still totally moping for my ex, duh.

I love this other guy, but he is not my vamp ex and I spend huuuuge amounts of time moping because of this fact because that's so cool and mature, and I'm the best drama queen ever and soooooo undecided, tee-hee!

So I am getting close to this guy but I also wanna hear the voices in my head that sound like my vamp ex and I love this guy but I don't and I love him but he's not my ex but I love him and awww, I'm so very confused and totally dramatic and soooo dramatic!!!

Oh and look, my ex decided to kill himself so I have to run after him to save him from making a spectacle out of himself and get killed like Romeo, oh, soooo romantic, gush gush!"

Ok, what can I say? Ye gods!!
This book, if it's at all possible is more idiotic and ditzy than the one before it. I seriously wonder about how old the writer was... or how brain-damaged. Yikes!!

Our protagonist (I wouldn't call her a heroine, because she is not a, but rather on the stuff instead) gets dumped. She sounds like she is so original and unpredictable and still almost everybody is lusting after her, although she is nothing special. It drives me nuts, because it reminds me of the worst Harry Potter fanfiction ever, the one starring some goth emo girl called Ebnoby or whatever. (Meant to be Ebony something something Darkness Raven. Don't ask, it's hideous.)

For one thing, this girl is overly klutzy. I mean it's impossible to carry it out in real life. Anybody that clutzy has brain damage or some kind of nervous-system issue. I'm not joking.

I felt physical agony while reading all the romantic clichés and gushy mushy crap. And then they dragged Romeo and Juliet in and I felt like retching and murdering the writer for defiling a perfectly good play for this crap of a book of hers.

So, impossibly hot vamp breaks up with girl and leaves her alone, and girls is still just as much hung up on guy after more than half a year. Impossible again. Humans don't work that way. Ever. But she is such a perfect little drama queen that she can pull it off. Yay.

She decides to hang out with the hot indian guy from the reserve, and agonizes over loving him and being unable to live without him for more than half of the book, then drops him and everybody else when her ex decides to kill himself, clichéd romantic style.

Precog vamp girl makes another appearance. I liked her initially, more so when she actually looked like she might be more than a cardboard cut-out of a clichéd best friend slash sidekick slash motherly figure and what else. She is the person who loves unconditionally, always says the right thing, like in any fairytale story... like a fairy godmother with better teeth.

So, werewolf puppy-love got totally ignored, like we weren't following that plotline for the better half of the book, to go save clichéd Romeo. Real interesting.

There come dark vamp lords masquerading as Dumbledore, evil guards, gothic.... I mean vampiric lolitas and much, much more. Yikes.

So. The writing style sill sucks crocodile balls, there are hardly any to no descriptions about anything, save for pretty pretty Edward, the vamps and foliage. There are chunks missing from the story, overlooked and ignored, skipped in favor of clichéd romance-novel lines and descriptions of Edward's now obvious prettiness.

Over all: disappointing. Through the last quarter of the story I have been banging my head against the wall repeatedly, skimming over the story, the clichéd, cheesy plot and lines hurting my brain.

And it's still not completely over!!! Yuck!!!!

(Btw, I'd have taken the puppy. He sounded totally normal and obviously more worth it.)