Can't sleep, so I'll make a confession. I just hope that the right people will read it, and that I won't be felt sorry for. I hate when people feel sorry. It never is any comfort.
So. Yes. I have a bunch of psychological problems. I most probably would need a psychiatrist to prod at me and my family relationships, but because my family would say: "but what yould people think?", I am in no position to do so, and... to be honest, I just want to forget it. Guess in a way it all started to rot.
Confession time. I am in a serious need of love. Not kidding, actually. I was born, because my parents were expected to have a child. So I was tolerated, something to have, like a furniture. I was a child, who wept all the time, and mostly got ignored. My mother went mad when I was 3 years old and she never sought cure. She is doing much better now, by the way.
I was taken care of, most of the time, by my snobbish grandmother, who never loved a soul besides herself. She is still babied by my gradfather, and I was thrown there to please her, to keep my parents out of her reach, and so I won't be in the way. There I learnt how to be snobbish, how to be a dreamer, and how to be passive agressive.
During that time, till I got 14, whenever I was with my parents, I was hit (by my mother), and told how useless, hateful, ugly and utterly disappointing I was. My needs of course were taken care of. I have a room (6 quadratmeters, no door, people always walk in and out, but I am fine, I have it), I have many books, mostly schoolbooks, and sometimes I was given a pet, of which I had to take care of and was constantly threatened of it being killed, if I was a "bad girl". Given, that I was never good enough, I was in constant fear for the one thing I loved.
What more? Oh yes. Tried to commit suicide at age 16 then 17, and I still have a few cuts and scars on my arm... not too deep tho, because it hurt, and I still hate pain.
Then we had to sit down and talk. I was a bad girl, I was insane, I was called every bad thing imaginable... sans a slut, because I had less bfs that I should have. I was... an utter disappointment. I know I am, still feel like it. Can't deny it, because I am one. I'm not sane, anyway.
I survived, because I held on to my 18th birtday. I planned on jumping down from some high building, but I felt so good on that day, that I didn't. I still feel like I'm living on borrowed time. I still do cut my wrists sometime, when I feel down. Sick, isn't it? It is, by the way.
Then I got to uni, and I saw my parents less. Oh, I nearly forgot. Till uni, it was forbidden for me to be out on weekdays, so getting friends, which never was easy for me, became almost impossible. I just couldn't connect to people. My inferiority complex still scares people.
The only thing that changed now is that I studied psychology, and I know that there is no cure for my problems. I'm sick, and I will so till I die. I could get better, I did, but I won't be completely sane.
I still feel inferior to many people, and feel very superior to stupid people. I lie, I cheat and I'm kind of ruthless, and every time I do so, I feel like an utter bastard, and a worthless being. Not to mention, that I worry about everything. Saying anything makes me worried, that poeple will see how worthless I really am. Every time I hurt someone I want to crawl into a hole, curl up and suffer, till they get better.
So I tried to alter my personality through hard work: someone who does not care, who lies as easily as if she is telling the truth, someone who does not need anybody (still working on that part), who reads people best (I do read people quite well), and who can respond to everyone with a kind of personality they like, or makes them feel inferior. I created a ruthless personality which would hide that I'm a useless disappointment, and I would very much keep it at that, so I would ask every friend of mine to just shut it and leave me alone.
And I was doing so well there. I will have to restart all of it again. It's only that much damage I can take without a nervous breakdown. So if you read it... just stop talking to me. If you do not, I will lash out, as a protective mechanism I tried to supress... without much luck. Not to mention that now I lash out at anyone, even those who do did not hurt me... because I'm scared.
So keep away. I will get better again soon. Just act as if you've never read this, and leave me alone. I really don't want to go suicidal again, as I am fighting for my last piece of sanity I still have.
Keep away, leave me alone, and never give me pity. I cannot use that, and it sickens me. I'm not gonna take it.
And I hate you all for forcing this out of me.
So much for keeping my dignity.
1 comment:
Parry: Did you ever hear the story of the Fisher King?
Jack: No.
Parry: It begins with the King as a boy--having to spend a night alone in the forest to prove his courage so that he could become king. While he was standing there alone, he's visited by a sacred vision. Out of the fire appears the Holy Grail, the symbol of God's divine grace. And a voice said to the boy, "You shall be the keeper of the Grail, so that it may heal the hearts of men." But the boy was blinded by greater visions, of a life filled with power and glory and beauty. And in this state of radical amazement, he felt for a brief moment not like a boy, but invincible...like God. So he reached into the fire to take the Grail. And the Grail vanished, leaving him with his hand in the fire, to be terribly wounded.
Now, as this boy grew older, his wound grew deeper, until one day, life for him lost its reason. He had no faith in any man, not even himself. He couldn't love or feel loved. He was sick with experience. He began to die.
One day, a fool wandered into the castle and found the king alone. Being a fool, he was simpleminded, he didn't see a king, he saw a man alone and in pain. And he asked the king, "What ails you, friend?" The king replied, "I'm thirsty. I need a some water to cool my throat." So the fool took a cup from beside his bed, filled it with water, handed it to the king. As the king began to drink he realized that his wound was healed. He looked at his hands, and there was the Holy Grail that which he sought all of his life! And he turned to the fool and said in amazement, "How could you find that which what my brightest and bravest could not?" And the fool replied, "I don't know. I only knew that you were thirsty."
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