Congratz! It's Cancer!

Yeah.

Fuck.

I dunno in what sort of mindset I'd be if family members would leave me the fuck alone to get used to the idea. But the thing is, they don't.

My mom keeps telling me how it's nothing and I can just do one more operation to remove what was left of my thyroid after the first operation - they've found cancer in the removed right lobe so all of it must go - and then get some radiation and all will be fine and not to worry.

I'm scared shitless. I got through that first operation by sheer will. The first two days I had severe nausea but I told myself to just survive this, after that I can go home and I'll be left in peace.

The hospital was horrid, the beds were impossibly uncomfortable, unless you liked to imitate a hunchback, you could not raise your upper body, and since they pushed a tube down my throat during operation I kept coughing up the residue from that for days.

Also, they left me in my own stink. I didn't piss myself, but severe coughing fits... well, they have the side effects of letting a few drops out - and they didn't change my bedding until I left, which meant the smell was also upsetting my stomach. And yes, not only did I throw up as soon as I woke up, but I also threw up after the first time I got some food in me - because they kept to light little nips and my stomach was moving too much. The only way to feed me when I have sea-sickness or anything similar is to give me enough food to weigh my stomach down so it stays down. Proven correct by many rides spent in the backseat of our car.

What else? Ah yes. The bed was slippery and creaky. They've covered the mattress in some kind of thick thing that was so slippery my sheet and pillows kept slipping down - with me along for the rise and it was extremely uncomfortable to fall asleep.

Oh and there was no hot water. Only ice cold. After a serious operation I had to bathe in ice-cold water in winter.

See, this is why I'm scared of the operation. Not because of the operation itself, but because of the rest of it. Unless I can for over a crazy amount of money for a private hospital, there is no way I could comfortably spend my days recuperating.


And that's just the operation. I have no idea if I will still have my voice after it - well, what's left of it anyway. Because my voice is already damaged from the first op. I can't shout for instance, can't even really raise my voice, so I'm the ideal rape/robbery victim.

And after the operation, I've still got the radiation therapy To get rid of the cancer. 6 months, my doc said.

There go my plans and dreams and everything in between.

So back to my mindset. According to the Kübler-Ross model there is
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

What I felt was
Shock
More Shock
Fear, a lot of it

I'm not in denial and I'm not angry with anybody, because hell, who is to blame? Chernobyl? That's where my cancer comes from, but really, it's just terrible bad luck and fuckery. I'm not bargaining, I'm just terribly, terribly scared and sad and afraid.

Maybe if I got five minutes to myself I could cry myself out - technically what I'm doing right now - and maybe after that I could actually come to terms with what I'm feeling, but right now I'm just scared shitless, harried and wish my family would stop bugging me so I could SLEEP and curl in on myself and sob myself hoarse. Well... more hoarse, if that's even possible.

If I weren't due to a damn blood test tomorrow I'd stuff myself full of chocolate, and pass out in a sugar-coma. (the good kind, not the real kind)

You know, I think writing this helped a bit. And maybe, if I would say the Kübler-Ross model worked, maybe I started with Depression and now I'm slowly sinking into Acceptance.

Maybe.