Can't sleep, so I'll make a confession. I just hope that the right people will read it, and that I won't be felt sorry for. I hate when people feel sorry. It never is any comfort.

So. Yes. I have a bunch of psychological problems. I most probably would need a psychiatrist to prod at me and my family relationships, but because my family would say: "but what yould people think?", I am in no position to do so, and... to be honest, I just want to forget it. Guess in a way it all started to rot.

Confession time. I am in a serious need of love. Not kidding, actually. I was born, because my parents were expected to have a child. So I was tolerated, something to have, like a furniture. I was a child, who wept all the time, and mostly got ignored. My mother went mad when I was 3 years old and she never sought cure. She is doing much better now, by the way.
I was taken care of, most of the time, by my snobbish grandmother, who never loved a soul besides herself. She is still babied by my gradfather, and I was thrown there to please her, to keep my parents out of her reach, and so I won't be in the way. There I learnt how to be snobbish, how to be a dreamer, and how to be passive agressive.
During that time, till I got 14, whenever I was with my parents, I was hit (by my mother), and told how useless, hateful, ugly and utterly disappointing I was. My needs of course were taken care of. I have a room (6 quadratmeters, no door, people always walk in and out, but I am fine, I have it), I have many books, mostly schoolbooks, and sometimes I was given a pet, of which I had to take care of and was constantly threatened of it being killed, if I was a "bad girl". Given, that I was never good enough, I was in constant fear for the one thing I loved.
What more? Oh yes. Tried to commit suicide at age 16 then 17, and I still have a few cuts and scars on my arm... not too deep tho, because it hurt, and I still hate pain.
Then we had to sit down and talk. I was a bad girl, I was insane, I was called every bad thing imaginable... sans a slut, because I had less bfs that I should have. I was... an utter disappointment. I know I am, still feel like it. Can't deny it, because I am one. I'm not sane, anyway.
I survived, because I held on to my 18th birtday. I planned on jumping down from some high building, but I felt so good on that day, that I didn't. I still feel like I'm living on borrowed time. I still do cut my wrists sometime, when I feel down. Sick, isn't it? It is, by the way.
Then I got to uni, and I saw my parents less. Oh, I nearly forgot. Till uni, it was forbidden for me to be out on weekdays, so getting friends, which never was easy for me, became almost impossible. I just couldn't connect to people. My inferiority complex still scares people.
The only thing that changed now is that I studied psychology, and I know that there is no cure for my problems. I'm sick, and I will so till I die. I could get better, I did, but I won't be completely sane.
I still feel inferior to many people, and feel very superior to stupid people. I lie, I cheat and I'm kind of ruthless, and every time I do so, I feel like an utter bastard, and a worthless being. Not to mention, that I worry about everything. Saying anything makes me worried, that poeple will see how worthless I really am. Every time I hurt someone I want to crawl into a hole, curl up and suffer, till they get better.
So I tried to alter my personality through hard work: someone who does not care, who lies as easily as if she is telling the truth, someone who does not need anybody (still working on that part), who reads people best (I do read people quite well), and who can respond to everyone with a kind of personality they like, or makes them feel inferior. I created a ruthless personality which would hide that I'm a useless disappointment, and I would very much keep it at that, so I would ask every friend of mine to just shut it and leave me alone.
And I was doing so well there. I will have to restart all of it again. It's only that much damage I can take without a nervous breakdown. So if you read it... just stop talking to me. If you do not, I will lash out, as a protective mechanism I tried to supress... without much luck. Not to mention that now I lash out at anyone, even those who do did not hurt me... because I'm scared.

So keep away. I will get better again soon. Just act as if you've never read this, and leave me alone. I really don't want to go suicidal again, as I am fighting for my last piece of sanity I still have.
Keep away, leave me alone, and never give me pity. I cannot use that, and it sickens me. I'm not gonna take it.
And I hate you all for forcing this out of me.

So much for keeping my dignity.

Well, this is is as good of a time as any other to decide to grow up.
I mean sitting at home most of the time, reading, writing, playing games, this is not considered a mature life... Well, the reading and writing maybe, but I should just go and... well, meet people and other thingies. Looking for a job wouldn't be a bad idea either.

I'll go, join a bellydancing course, which will most probably be much fun. I'll look into that job in Ireland, and of course I could go and... be nicer. Yuck.

I just don't see the use of being all nice, and be someone who is way better than I would ever be. That's cheating, and if I find a boyfriend (ye gods, yuck) that way, it would be very stressful. Just like nearly all the time. It's no use telling them that I'm not a nice person, that I'm pessimistic, and... I'm whiney. Nobody believes it, befriends me, and then I get blamed. Predictable.

Anyway. Exams. Then... who knows. Of course I will miss my friends who I've met thanks to gw, but if someone really misses me, they will find a way to contact me. *Shrug.*

If anyone knows about some low maintenance guy, who actually does not expect me to be nice, well, tell me. Any stuck up, immature British kids excluded. I'm not in the mood to pick up trash.

I left the guild today. I only stayed there because I was afraid of the silence... and I liked some of the people. Quite sad.

I already miss them. I cried a bit too. I'm so stupid. Still, I have my pride. I had to do it.
Sniffle. Hope that everything turns out all right, whatever happens.

Time moves and I didn't have any... well... motives to write. Anything.

I passed my teaching practice examination. I got a 3, and am happy with it.
I even survived the X-mas tradition in my family, which is, that all kind of family members are let in into the same room and they start screaming each other's heads off. Fun, really.

Honestly, I'm a bit better, seeing that I didn't have any peace and quiet for months. Not to mention any kind of little breathers. Currently I'm trying to clear my mind. I'm just waking up on the idea, that friends can't be trusted with anything either.
I did know it, I mean I am a pessimistic person, but I always forget...
Well, I woke up. Didn't really shake me that hard, I am used to friends disappointing me when I count on them. Not to mention that I have something better. I just have to warm up to the idea again.
While I had my little teaching practice, I couldn't concentrate on anything else, and that parts of my brain were firmly shut... I'm so proud of myself... I can learn to shut it out.
Still, now I'll have to get used to the idea again, unless I want to end up as a skyzophrenic... quite possibly mad. It would be so funny if I got scared of every shadow. Or maybe not. ^^
Well, I have got a bunch of candle holders, and a lot of candles too, so I can organize a party. Maybe I'll even have some time to look into a few informative books about vodou. If I find some valid ones, not that stupid new age mumbo-jumbo. It makes me sick just to think of them.
If I wanted some mystic smoke, herbs, goddesses and nightresses for treehugging... well, I would chose to accept them. Thing is, I want to read things as they were. Nothing mystic about a religion...
I just want to know, how they did it, and what they did really.
And then... I will alter my views of things accordingly.

In the middle of the night here I am, sitting, staring out the open window, listening to the falling rain and breathing the nice, clear, fresh air. That's what I call romantic. The sky is a reddish color, as it is usually nowadays, it is silent, only the rain sounds can be heard... and I sometimes stare at the glowing streetlamps, and their pretty aura that gleams off of the bared trees. Oh yes, bloody romantic all right. And I'll catch a cold soon if I don't close the window, so I do. With a sad look, if I might add. I like the smell of the crisp winter air. Too bad it's cold.

Ok, all closed and fresh aired in the room. Happy very much. Still, I must admit, when the rain or snow falls in winter, I usually sleep without and kind of things blocking my view: just the clear glass between me and the outside. And I lay down to sleep like a capital L, so that I can stare out of the window before I go to sleep. And I can see the rainy reddish sky or the grey snowy sky. Both of them are pretty.

7 down, 8 to go!

I see the end of the tunnel! Let's just hope it's not a truck... or any other artificial light af any kind of moving machine.

Still, I'm not over, I just managed to snuck home to eat, then I'll go back and listen to the teacher ranting at me. She will have a bunch of problems, but you know what... I just bloody don't care anymore. I can't turn into a quick witted, experienced teacher overnight, and the kids enjoy my clss all the time - they did today too. I talk with them in the breaks.

I can just imagine the standard problems: I'm not quick enough to come back with a snappy retort, I couldn't find the listening exercise at first try (she bloody promised me that she would do that, because it's some complicated machine, but never mind), I was too slow to respond (solution: don't take a breath... ever again, learn to function without it, not to mention that the thinking process should be dunno... automatic - that's why I said I'm not a bloody experienced teacher - I'm a trainee, for Cristsakes...) and whatever.

So... In a few hours... more to come.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

5 down, 10 to go. 1/3 of it down!

The teacher is dead set on me being deaf. She reckons I already told her I am. Yeah sure. I just love telling people things like that. I'm deaf, mute and can't write. If only she said can't type I would have said yes, that's true. Gahh.

Come on! Look at me boots! They shine, man! Yea, me stood in front of speakers in concerts too often! Not to mention that I'm stooopid and a satanist and a lesbian and... dunno... could you come up with more insults? Right now that's all I could remember.

Anyway. Now I had linking sentences (which she never commented on), but now I was too slow. I can never, ever do someting right. It's like there's a big sign hanging over my head: "No! Don't tell me anything nice! I don't want to hear it!" She certainly makes my teaching practice memorable. Sheesh....

Well, tomorrow is going to be a double class, which will make me... happy in a way, that I can spend more time with the kids and give prezzies, as it will be the 6th of December... and that it will be 2 classes minus of the remaining time I'll have to spend under that hag.

Can you see me doing the happy dance? I can. Just a bit more, just a bit more. I will do this!

4 down, 11 to go.

The teacher always has some problem whipped out, no matter how hard I try. She had problems with me being slow. I did what I had to, so it was fast, no silences at all.

So now she misses the linking sentences. Which are actually there. I just can't get a "oh, this was a nice one". It would decidedly hurt her to say anything nice about me. Sigh.

Oh, and today I nearly went bonkers. My class was always buzzing with things to do, so she couldn't cut in, and what did she do? She made noises. Clearing her throat, coughing, all of them like she was nearly throttled. I got so angry I gave her a candy I keep for my brain when it's out of nutrition. So from then on she made suckling noises, managed to somehow fall over my bag (which was on a chair, in the middle of a large, empty space), dropped her books on the table with a huge noise...

At the end of the class I was trembling like jelly whenever she made a noise...

But I shall not lose! I will prevail! Because I have faced thougher opponents than her.

Bwahahahaha!