Congratz! It's Cancer!

Yeah.

Fuck.

I dunno in what sort of mindset I'd be if family members would leave me the fuck alone to get used to the idea. But the thing is, they don't.

My mom keeps telling me how it's nothing and I can just do one more operation to remove what was left of my thyroid after the first operation - they've found cancer in the removed right lobe so all of it must go - and then get some radiation and all will be fine and not to worry.

I'm scared shitless. I got through that first operation by sheer will. The first two days I had severe nausea but I told myself to just survive this, after that I can go home and I'll be left in peace.

The hospital was horrid, the beds were impossibly uncomfortable, unless you liked to imitate a hunchback, you could not raise your upper body, and since they pushed a tube down my throat during operation I kept coughing up the residue from that for days.

Also, they left me in my own stink. I didn't piss myself, but severe coughing fits... well, they have the side effects of letting a few drops out - and they didn't change my bedding until I left, which meant the smell was also upsetting my stomach. And yes, not only did I throw up as soon as I woke up, but I also threw up after the first time I got some food in me - because they kept to light little nips and my stomach was moving too much. The only way to feed me when I have sea-sickness or anything similar is to give me enough food to weigh my stomach down so it stays down. Proven correct by many rides spent in the backseat of our car.

What else? Ah yes. The bed was slippery and creaky. They've covered the mattress in some kind of thick thing that was so slippery my sheet and pillows kept slipping down - with me along for the rise and it was extremely uncomfortable to fall asleep.

Oh and there was no hot water. Only ice cold. After a serious operation I had to bathe in ice-cold water in winter.

See, this is why I'm scared of the operation. Not because of the operation itself, but because of the rest of it. Unless I can for over a crazy amount of money for a private hospital, there is no way I could comfortably spend my days recuperating.


And that's just the operation. I have no idea if I will still have my voice after it - well, what's left of it anyway. Because my voice is already damaged from the first op. I can't shout for instance, can't even really raise my voice, so I'm the ideal rape/robbery victim.

And after the operation, I've still got the radiation therapy To get rid of the cancer. 6 months, my doc said.

There go my plans and dreams and everything in between.

So back to my mindset. According to the Kübler-Ross model there is
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

What I felt was
Shock
More Shock
Fear, a lot of it

I'm not in denial and I'm not angry with anybody, because hell, who is to blame? Chernobyl? That's where my cancer comes from, but really, it's just terrible bad luck and fuckery. I'm not bargaining, I'm just terribly, terribly scared and sad and afraid.

Maybe if I got five minutes to myself I could cry myself out - technically what I'm doing right now - and maybe after that I could actually come to terms with what I'm feeling, but right now I'm just scared shitless, harried and wish my family would stop bugging me so I could SLEEP and curl in on myself and sob myself hoarse. Well... more hoarse, if that's even possible.

If I weren't due to a damn blood test tomorrow I'd stuff myself full of chocolate, and pass out in a sugar-coma. (the good kind, not the real kind)

You know, I think writing this helped a bit. And maybe, if I would say the Kübler-Ross model worked, maybe I started with Depression and now I'm slowly sinking into Acceptance.

Maybe.

Client List, the most sexist show of the decade

While recuperating I've started watching this show. I've seen 2 episodes so far and I have to say, while it's certainly interesting, the whole Texan thing turns me right away.

Just a few things that piss me off:

• "The Lord never intended for women to be on their own."
  
  Now this is the kind of sexist crap I could never stand. Why couldn't a woman be alone if she wanted to? Why the hell would we need a glorified chaperone? Are we lesser than men? Fuck no. I'd sue these bastards if I were an American woman. I'd sue them for everything they make of this crap.
  
•  "The gay rodeo? Is nothing sacred?!" (spoken by a woman with a huge-ass cross hanging 'round her neck)
  
  Really. Apparently treating women like second class citizens wasn't enough, now they need to hate on the gay community too.
  
• "A man does not go looking elsewhere if he's getting what he needs at home."
  
  So women have to spread their legs whenever their "man" wants some... or else? I really wonder why they haven't yet tried to burn the scriptwriter ten times over. This is so very, very wrong. What does this teach people?! Hell, if a guy tried to pull that with me he would be missing both balls and dick on first try.

I could list a couple more, like the little girl called Twinkle and her beauty pageant and so much more, but this... was quite enough. Really, just yuck.

Now this is why, even if offered, I'd refuse to set foot in the Bible belt.

Yeah, had the operation. Yeah, my neck looks bad. There's a semi-horizontal slash on my neck in bright red, and the inside... let's not talk about it. Suffice to say I'm alive, healing, and my neck looks bad. And my vocal chords are not exactly as I left them.