need...to stay... calm

Well. I'm oficially moody and ... well, still searching for the right word.
Merlin is sick, I am playing nurse for him. He loves to be cuddled and double so when he's sick. He needs affection, and he's the only guy right now I'm willing to hug... Erm... there is one more I'd hug, but he's... well, he's not easy to reach, not to mention...

Let's start again.
Love troubles.
I hate them.
If I love someone I sit in a corner and wait till it goes away. I usually do not love. If I do, it would suffocate the person. So I usually do like. That's why I'm level headed in a relationship. I know it's not a female thing to be like that, but I don't really care.
Still, right now, I have troubles. It's the kind of love I have to sit through, or I'll fuck up the relationship we already have.
Let's backtrack again. He's a friend. He is nice, has a strange humor, we can talk for hours... But why is it, that I don't want to take my chances? I have soo many reasons... I'll list them:

1. He is a friend. (If we ever bring up the subject, I might lose a friend, and I treasure my friends. Good ones are hard to come by.)
2. There is an age difference. (I never once wanted people ask me if the guy I have with me is my father/little brother.)
3. He's not exactly living close to me. (Hah! What an understatement!)
4. He doesn't need a relationship right now. (I guess. or more like I presume of what I know about his life.)
5. He probably sees me only as a friend. (Hardest part. If he asks me to give him love advice in the near future, I'm going to be a crying wreck. So god forbid. Which one is your choice.)
6. (I'd really hate if a friend of mine would go around spreading the news of me fucking up and telling people that it was so predictable. And that said friend knew everything beforehand, just didn't have the heart to tell me. Happened once before - too bad for said friend that I got the guy. Anyway, this was just a side note, said friend is not that important on the list of reasons. - Bugger, I wandered further away from the topic.)

So. I like the guy, a bit more than like him, but the guy doesn't know it. And I'm going insane while trying to stay silent, so I had to shout out.
Not to mention, it's not like I have the time to do much, as I need to pass that blasted exam. And here I am, going insane because of a guy! Arrrgh! Stupid hormones!